I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
