Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
