What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
