My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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