Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
