Don't make out with my wife yet
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
