ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
