I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
