Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
