Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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