Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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