A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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