dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
40s are totally the cure
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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