I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
