Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
