I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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