how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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