Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You were trust falling into bushes
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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