So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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