I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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