Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
