Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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