Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
