so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
