I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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