That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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