I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
