Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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