Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
