I can tuck mytits in my pants
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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