She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
