Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
