my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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