my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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