When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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