i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
