Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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