I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
