I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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