Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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