Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
