At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
