you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
