All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
