that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
