Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize