I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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