Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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