I think I died a long time ago.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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