All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
