drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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