You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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