So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
