why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize