Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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