I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
