I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
